So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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