Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
