Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
