I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
