she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
