i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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