I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
