u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
