You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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