The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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