grandma shit on top of the toilet
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
