I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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