Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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