You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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