My friends, they love my intelligence
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
