Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
