I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
