i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
