I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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