And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
