Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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