How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
