Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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