i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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