She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
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I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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