My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
