anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Randomize
