The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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