I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
