Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
