literally had 100 drinks last night.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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