before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
