it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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