Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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