Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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