If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
