please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
