I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
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The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
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I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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