I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
im six kinds of drunk right now
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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