Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I can text with my tongue
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
