Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
