The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
