im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
