Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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