Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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