How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
