You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm like, not good at living.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.