i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.