i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
