So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
