This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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