I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
They are going to name an STD after you.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
