my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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