fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
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