i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
