Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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