I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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