I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
he thought i was a dude.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
