his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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