My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
